Mal Pais/ Santa Teresa

I was exhausted, my ribs were bruised, my body battered, my arms felt like they had been twisted behind my back in handcuffs all day, and every crevice of my body was filled with sand. No, I wasn’t at one of the CIA’s black sites (wait I forgot those don’t exist –and we also don’t torture people), I was learning how to surf. Diana, Nic, Izzy and I headed to Mal Pais/Santa Teresa for a long weekend with the goal of taking the first steps towards learning how to surf.

Mal Pais (Mahl Pah Eece) is a small outpost on the Pacific west of Montezuma that has become a surfing hot-spot in recent years. The original plan was to go to a surf camp and take classes, but once we learned the cost, we decided to have Nic teach Izzy and I. She learned how to surf while she was living in Hawaii for several years so her credentials were solid. More importantly, she accepted alcohol as payment so the classes were quite affordable.

Beginners usually start with a long board because it’s easier to stand up. The downside is that it’s hard to paddle through waves with them so if there’s not a break in the waves it’s hard to get past the whitewater (with shorter boards you can go under the waves). Whitewater is great practice though and we managed to stand up a couple of times. We spent the better part of the day just paddling through the choppy waves. Just when I thought I had cleared whitewater, a wave would set me back 15 meters (sidebar- I’m using the metric system because I’m in Costa Rica and it makes more sense) and it was back to paddling like I was escaping Alcatraz prison. Hopefully after enough times I’ll get to the point where I can enjoy surfing instead of it consisting of the grueling arm workout from hell.

Mal Pais is both a region and a town. We actually stayed in Santa Teresa which has a couple of surf shops, places to eat, tour operators, and not much else. The night life consisted of the four of us playing drinking Uno. It’s like Uno, but everytime something bad happens to you, you have to drink. It all depends on how you define bad which by the end of the night included just about everything. Surprisingly, it managed to hold our interest for two solid, booze filled nights.

Like the trip to Montezuma, this one involved three legs: a bus ride to Punta Arenas, a ferry ride to Paquera, and then a bus ride to Mal País. Fortunately the sun was out in full effect on the ferry ride back. Unfortunately, many fellow travelers did not possess the basic level of hygiene one would desire on a long bus ride. Le me present some simple etiquette tips to keep in mind you’re going to be taking a trip in close quarters for over an hour with strangers: 1) TAKE A FRIGGIN’ SHOWER AT LEAST 12 HOURS BEFORE THE TRIP STARTS! And NO, slathering on patchouli oil IS NOT a substitute for showering and properly cleaning one’s undercarriage 2) Make sure your clothes don’t smell like a dead monkey’s fecund colon. This is especially important when you’re standing next to my seat and your dank ass board shorts are in my face. 3) Use deodorant. Liberally. And NO, patchouli oil IS NOT a substitute for deodorant.

Lastly, I’ve included some gratuitous pics of Izzy and Diana sleeping in various positions throughout the trip. I was quite impressed with the level of creativity and the number of different positions they employed. I also couldn’t help but admire their ability to sleep virtually anywhere under any circumstances, skills any homeless person would envy.

Pura Vida!